I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention to my Charlie Sheen is a Hot Mess Live Feed over the past few weeks, because I had no idea he was performing his own LIVE SHOW TOUR called (of course) “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option.” Very normal and everything, of course.

According to reports, his first show in Detroit BOMBED, which is weird because why wouldn’t anyone LOVE 80 minutes Charlie Sheen rambling incoherently about crack cocaine  in a city with a depressing history in crack cocaine?! The show was so bad (even though Charlie sent out his friend Simon Rex to rap for the crowd) that people booed, walked out, and at one point the heckling was so bad Charlie had them turn up the house lights (a cue the show is over). Apparently the show ended when Charlie complained about the audio and then walked off stage. ALL AND ALL VERY SUCCESSFUL, OBVIOUSLY.

Meanwhile, as Charlie Sheen’s last glimmer of celebrity was mashed out in Detroit, his ex and mother of his children was in the Bahamas, looking like this:

So, in conclusion, can we all stop saying “winning” now? PLEASE?