In another edition of BCU’s Stories Behind the Crime Report, we have the story of Jerrie Perkins, age 30.

Jerrie must have been having a bad day. She really wanted a new Blu-Ray player… perhaps because her friend Sal had just given her a copy of Inception and she wanted to see what the hype was about. As a budding movie critic, she felt she was really behind the times having not seen the Academy Award nominated film. Plus, Sal keeps being a real jerk, giving away plot points and threatening to tell her the twist. How was Jerrie supposed to escape her dead-end job at the DMV without owning one of these critical pieces of electronics? Unfortunately, she had just had to pay for her grandmother’s cancer treatment and didn’t have the capital to make this important investment. So on this fateful morning, Jerrie climbed bravely into her motorized scooter (a childhood accident rendered her legs immobile) and headed into the local electronics store, desperate to make a life change.

She put the Blu-Ray atop her scooter basket and determinedly steered herself through the doors, where three cops showed up, tackled her to the ground, ripped the Blu-Ray from her trembling hands and carted her off to jail. Now Jerrie sits, wiping away tears on her prison cot, knowing her dream of someday meeting Roger Ebert has been dashed by her momentary lapse in judgment. She feels remorseful and regretful and broken-hearted, because deep down, she’s also secretly in love with Sal.

JUST KIDDING.

This 400-pounds idiot loaded up her cart with $600 worth of products and tried to mow her way through the front doors of a electronics store. Obviously, though, she was too fat to squeeze her Rascal through the electronic doors and got stuck, and when an employee asked to see her receipt Jerrie punched her in the face. Cops arrived and subdued her with a taser, before arresting her for unarmed robbery, resisting and obstructing a police officer, and retail fraud.

I hope that if anything, this story motivates you to hit the gym before the clubs tonight. Too much fat can start to mess with your brain.