Green Bay Packers. Pittsburgh Steelers. Two teams from two cities that I neither know nor care ANYTHING about. Actually no – I think one of them likes cheese or something? Maybe? Either way, the Super Bowl is this weekend, and despite it having not one team that I am even vaguely interested in, we still have to make the most of it, by hosting your own BCU approved Super Bowl Party! But the rules for that one come later in the week…

Today we give you the top five WORST things to watch for this Super Bowl weekend!

1) The Pro Bowl, just kidding that was yesterday but it was SO BO-RIIIIING.

According to Pro Football Talk, “even the NFL can’t avoid recognizing the Pro Bowl is a dud,” because since there are no writers on board for the Pro Bowl, they were forced to instead broadcast an AP piece that was basically a smear campaign. My favorite quote: that the Pro Bowl is “seemingly played at half speed by players whose biggest concern is to get on the plane home without injury. The AFC took that attitude to an uncomfortable extreme early . . . “ The NFC blew the AFC out of the water, scoring 42 – 0 by halftime. When asked about his teams performance, Bill Belichick said “it is what it is.” Oh good, awesome. Great commentary. Thank you so, so much.

2) The Black Eyed Peas half-time show

Dude, what is the DEAL with the Black Eyed Peas? Do they have a standing agreement that they will play any gig handed to them ever? I imagine they are getting paid insane money to play halftime, but why?? Who even cares about the Black Eyed Peas anymore?  They are and always have been the worst, and their most recent single is no exception. Time of My Life? More like Time of My Barf All Over Your Face. Unless Fergie pees her pants again, which would be sort of awesome, this will undoubtedly be the worst halftime show of all time.

3) Eminem in a Lipton Iced Tea commercial

The Super Bowl is generally regarded as the time and place for some of the best commercials ever, from the introduction to the Geico cavemen to the Budweiser frogs and of course Betty White getting tackled by a lineman. All very awesome moments. However, this year the most anticipated commercial is Eminem starring in a Lipton Iced Tea commercial, which is like saying you are really looking forward to the fourth hour of Roots. My prediction? “Look at this very tough man starring in a commercial about a light fruity drink! HOW DELIGHTFULLY UNEXPECTED!” Dumb.

4) What are sure to be inspired, insightful, and not at all drunk Super Bowl tweets from other NFLers

Like I said, inspired and insightful and definitely not at all drunk.

5) The part where people die

Despite Jeremy Piven’s astute observation that this Super Bowl will be a “cheesy-rape burger,” the high stress of this highly anticipated game actually heightens your risk of heart attack. Researchers a USC claim that after the 1980 loss of the LA Rams to the Steelers, heart attack rates in men went up by 15%, and in women by 27%. The more intense the game, they said, the more likely one might be to get a heart attack, especially in older watchers. Have an especially die-hard Steeler fan for a grandma? You might want to give her a little hug before kick-off.

Now that we got all that miserable business out of the way, let’s reconvene tomorrow to discuss the top 5 BEST things about Super Bowl XLV!