Look, I say this with love: some of y’all are out here committing photography crimes. As a benevolent, world-weary dating-site admin who has reviewed more profiles than I’ve had hot dinners, I am begging you — please stop sabotaging yourselves.

If you truly want to get laid (or loved! or lightly admired!), why… why is that the photo you chose to represent your entire romantic potential?

Let’s fix it, shall we?

1. Stop Taking Photos in the Dark. You’re Not a Cryptid.

I promise you:
Flash-on-at-midnight is not a vibe.

You are not being “mysterious.” You are being lit like a raccoon rummaging through a trash can.

Stand near a window. Face the light. Daylight is your friend. If you can see yourself clearly without squinting? Good. That’s a real human photo.

2. The Under-the-Chin Car Selfie? No. Absolutely Not.

I need you to hear this gently:
No one — NO ONE — looks sexy from the “driver’s seat triple-chin surveillance cam” angle.

I don’t know who started the rumor that “car = good lighting,” but the execution has gotten out of hand.
Your steering wheel is not a ring light.

Hold the phone up slightly. Tilt your head like a person. Smile. Pretend you’re not parked outside AutoZone contemplating your existence.

3. Put Your Tongue Back in Your Mouth, Sir.

Look at me.

No.

Stop.

Your tongue is not flirting. Your tongue is not cute. Your tongue is not sending the message you think it is.

Unless you’re at the dentist saying “aaaah,” keep that thing where it belongs.

4. Grooming. Grooming. Grooming.

I wish you could see how many profiles would improve instantly with 30 seconds of effort:

• Brush your hair

• Trim or shape the beard

• Change out of the shirt you slept in

• Wipe the toothpaste off the mirror

• Maybe even moisturize? Live a little.

This is the bare minimum. The threshold is low. I believe in you.

5. Stop Uploading Photos of Photos

Sir. My guy. Buddy.

You own… a smartphone.
It literally has a camera in it. A surprisingly good one.

Why are you taking a photo of a printed photo, crooked on your kitchen counter, under a yellow bulb from 1997?

Just… take a new picture. Right now. This second. I’ll wait.

6. Give Us ONE Normal, Full-Face, Straight-On Shot

You can still include the hiking photo, the dog photo, the “look I can grill meat” photo — but you also need a clear picture where you’re simply… existing.

No sunglasses. No hat. No shadows. No fish held hostage.
Just you, not looking like you’re being photographed against your will.

7. You Don’t Need to Be a Model — Just Look Like You Tried

Effort is hot.
Trying is attractive.
Caring how you present yourself is downright irresistible.

Women are out here doing skincare, learning their angles, using natural light, deleting 47 versions of the same pose… meanwhile some of y’all are like:

“Here is me in the dark with a blurry chin. That’ll do.”

It will not do.

8. Bonus Tips Straight From the Admin Trenches

• Wipe the lens (half of you look like you’re behind frosted glass).

• Smile. It doesn’t have to be big — just don’t look like you’re awaiting sentencing.

• Do not post group photos where every friend is hotter than you.

• And seriously… stop taking pictures inside the car.

Now Go Take a Good Pic. THEN Join OBC

Once you’ve cleaned your face, faced a window, and put the tongue away…
once you’ve taken a photo that says, “Yes, I am a functioning adult who understands cameras”… then you have my blessing:

Come join OBC. We’d love to see you — and even more, we’d love for others to see you at your best.

Go forth and be photogenic, king.