This is my favorite post of this week, where we at BCU impart to you, the readers, some great tips on how to throw a totally awesome Super Bowl party. With it being Thursday, you’ll need to get a start tonight, because the grocery store on Sunday morning is going to be a cluster f*** of middle aged men walking around grabbing everything they see without a cart because it’s too late to go back, GO GO GO! and trust us, you do not want to get in their way.

So print this out and get on your way, and on Sunday you’ll be ready to crack open your first beer before most people even find a parking spot at Vons.

1) CHECK THE WEEKLY ADS –or– BUY IN BULK

Despite their sneaky discounts on bread that’s about to go bad, corporate heads at grocery stores know how to price things. It’s Super Bowl weekend and each store is going to have to compete with others to offer phenomenal pricing on the food football fans love most: grillables, snacks, beer, pizza, and more. So when you check the mail tonight, don’t throw away the ads and check out which stores are offering the best prices. However, if you’re throwing a HUGE party, then stores that sell in bulk (Smart and Final and especially Costco or Sam’s Club) have the best deals on 100 packs of hotdogs and palettes of Fritos.

2) CANS (not a keg), PAPER PLATES, TRASH CANS and LOTS OF PAPER TOWELS

These are NECESSITIES for your party. Keep a roll of paper towels in each possible sitting locale you can see. Otherwise you’ll be faced with this common atrocity: someone looking around, shifting in their seat, and wiping their hand stealthily on your couch cushion. We are all animals at heart, remember that. Multiple trash cans around the house, paired with cans of beer and soda instead of a keg, will cut down on clean up time in the morning because they can be thrown away as you go, instead of wading through full cups of god knows what the following morning. Same with paper plates. No offense to trees or anything, but the amount of dishwashing I’d have to do on Monday would make me so angry I’d cut down an entire rainforest so they should really let this one slide.

3) Make it a POT LUCK

Just as how every player on a football team is expected to make the best contribution to the team that they can, so should each of your guests. No one should walk in the door empty handed, and whether they bring a 12 pack of beer or a few bags of chips or a pizza or their mom’s home made gnocchi (oh god it’s lunchtime I’m starving), make sure it is known before hand that this is not a “come as you are” type of party. It’s a “BYO-something, you cheap a-hole” type of party.

4) Designate a “STFU WE’RE ACTUALLY WATCHING FOOTBALL” room

Let’s face it, there are people who are coming to party, not to watch the game. There are people who, on the spot, probably couldn’t name one player from either side (BAM – ROGER AARONS, NOT ME, HA!). But there are people who love football and want to enjoy the game, so do not subject them to people standing in front of the TV, milling around, being too loud, and just generally ruining the experience. One large room with the TV up loud MUST be designated, otherwise it’ll be just any party with the TV on and chubby guys in sports jerseys. Remember your roots, Super Bowl Party Thrower, remember your roots.

5) PLAY THIS AWESOME DRINKING GAME I JUST MADE UP

Click on, and print out a several copies of each the “Penalty Flags” below, hand them out to party goers, and decide on the amount of “yards” (drinks) each one is worth. When you catch someone committing a “foul,” flash them one of these flags (homemade by ME) and demand they take their penalty. Each penalty phrase can have many different connotations.

For example:

• “Encroachment” is defined as “advancing beyond proper limits,” so that could mean some dude invading your personal space, or if you witness someone doing some over-the-top crotch adjusting.
• “Unnecessary Doucheness” must have a consensus among other referees. As long as someone else agrees that a guy’s V-neck is FAR too deep or that a girl’s whining is getting out of hand, you can give them this penalty.
• “Neutral Zone Infraction” could be if someone walks in on you peeing, or if you see some over the top PDA. This is a Super Bowl party, not a middle school dance.
• “Holding” has so many options. Someone grabs your beer, a dude holds a hug with you a little too long, someone has been nursing a beer for two hours, etc.
• “C*ck Block” is like a Chop Block, except that instead of an two offensive players blocking one defensive player, it’s some dude coming in and trying to… oh COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

Feel free to make up your own penalty flags too!

With your free spirit and BCU’s helpful tips, you should be able to make this party the ultimate success. Make sure you have a camera handy, take some awesome pictures, and show us your party.

HAPPY ALMOST SUPER BOWL!