As you may have deduced from my less-than-stellar coverage of the World Cup and the NBA Finals, I am pretty illiterate (and indifferent) when it comes to sports that involve balls. And yes, that works both ways.

However, it would take someone living under a rock to have not been hearing the overwhelming buzz regarding LeBron James’ decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers and switch teams to the Miami Heat. As you might expect, the people of Cleveland are heart-wrenchingly depressed/rabies-ridden-doglike  that their Golden LBJ is leaving.

I remember when LT left the Chargers and people were like, “Aww. Well, good luck, LT, you were awesome!” But apparently in this case with LeBron people are burning his jersey? And Spike Lee is saying that if the Heat play the Cavs,“they’re going to need the National Guard. I’m not trying to blow this up, but they’re going to need the National Guard.” Um, ok, Spike Lee. Thanks for your not at all maniacal input.

Needless to say, it’s not just the Cleve that’s angry about the decision. James’ other likely options were to go to the Knicks or the Bulls, and both of those cities are almost equally as furious as the Cavaliers fans — apparently the Knicks wanted LeBron so bad that half the chefs in the city offered him free meals for LIFE, including Mario Batali of the Food Network, who offered a dinner every two weeks, “wherever you want, up to 20 people. I will make a dinner, not an Iron Chef dinner, a delicious dinner, in New York City.” I half expected him to throw in a blowey for no extra charge.

I mean, I understand that a great player like LeBron can increase tourism and revenue and complete the trifecta of awesome sports teams (because can we all agree that the Nets AND the Knicks are embarrassments?), but can America  just take a moment to realize that half of America has been hanging on the words of a giant in a purple shirt who plays a child’s game for a living?

JUST KIDDING, SPORTS > LIFE.

Source info @ USAToday and NBA.com.