You know how sometimes you’re on a plane, and you’re sitting next to an eighteen year old girl, and you’re like, ‘oh man, I really gotta pop one off right now or I won’t be able to enjoy this showing of Maid in Manhattan‘, so you pull out your penis on a crowded flight and start jerking off and then you ejaculate and get some on the seat?

No?

OKAY GOOD YOU’RE NOT A PERV THEN.

According to the Smoking Gun, Kyle Pearce was on a flight to Denver from Spokane, Washington, when the alleged incident happened. He was apparently sitting in an AISLE seat, which is even funnier because it means like, everyone on the plane could see him, when he pulled out his junk and started getting frisky with himself. According to the young woman who caught him:

“I sat next to a man on a plane who was masterbating [sic]. I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the teenager recalled in a written statement. She added, “He ejaculated & got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

From another witness statement:

“My friend Zach turned to me and said, ‘That man is masturbating’ and in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis and he was.” In his written statement, Miller reported that, “I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom” in the Airbus A319.

So I suppose the jury is out on whether or not Kyle was able to finish, but there is a consensus on the fact that he pulled out his junk on a cross country flight and jacked off without making any attempt to hide it. The Smoking Gun claims that if convicted, Kyle could face up to 90 days in jail.

For having the balls (and shaft) to take care of business on a busy plane flight, we hope Mr. Kyle Pearce will accept this award of the Dumbest Criminal of the Week. Congratulations, bro. No, wait, please, you don’t need to pull that out – okay no stop oh GOD OH GOD EWWWWWWWWW