While riding the elevator down from the 9th BCU offices last night, a news snippet flashed on the elevator television caught my eye that said, “NFL considering adding music to games.” I could have sworn it was a joke. I mean, it had to be, right? That’s just a silly quip thrown in the news cycle to see if anyone would catch it, right? There is no way that they would do something as ridiculous as that, RIGHT?

Nope. Lo and behold, some further research revealed that Fox is in fact planning on adding “soundtracks” to NFL football games. I feel as though there are really no words to establish how incredibly stupid that idea is, and how much it will ruin watching games, and how LITTLE I trust especially FOX to not channel Nickleback or Staind during every intense play. So instead I’ll do them a little favor and help them out with their musical choices for various scenarios.

1. Anytime the Raiders’ Sebastian Janikowki steps up to kick a field goal, play the Fat Guy Tuba March from Family Guy
2. As Ochocinco runs the field, cue the Mexican Hat Dance song. It’s not racist because he chose that ridiculous name for himself so whatever.
3. Every time Jay Cutler gets sacked, play “Why Must I Cry” by Reh Dogg
4. If a kicker misses an easy field goal, as they walk back to the bench, play the sad, slowed down “Christmastime is Here,” from Arrested Development.
5. Is Troy Polamalu front and center? Play Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair” as his luscious locks flow in the wind.
6. As Darren Sproles runs the kick return back, play Flight of the Bumblebee by Rimsky-Korsakov, because HE’S SO TINYYYYYY.
7. Whenever Chris Johnson scores, play THIS clip from Usher and Lil Jon’s “YEAH,“ and NO IT’S NOT RACIST because that dude looks exactly like Lil Jon.
8. Are the Panthers walking back to the bench without scoring (hint, yes they are)? Play The Lonely Man Theme, from the Incredible Hulk. So Lonely.
9. Obligatory “Who Let The Dogs Out” for Michael Vick, and not only to remind him he is a  puppy murderer, but also for the high intensity party music ’cause that guy is pretty damn GOOD.
10. And of course, The Imperial March, for when the Patriots walk out onto the field. Dangerous and powerful, they are, and Bill Belichick IS Darth Vader.

Thanks to the BCU Staff and Will over at College Sports Desk show at KNSD for the help!