In a moment which should have been a victory for everyone in the nation who isn’t a racist a**hole, President Obama pulled some strings with the Hawaiian government, thus allowing the long form of his birth certificate to be released this morning. It will most likely be the talk of all major news corps for the next couple months, and could potentially change the state of political discourse, considering it was the main (only) platform on which many Obama-haters stood upon.

However, while many of us cheered silently at our desks (or in my case, really loud at my desk because I’m the first one here), Donald Trump was sitting on some gold toilet in his 4th biggest mansion, rubbing his little talons together while trying to figure out a way to ruin it for all of us. And boy did he do it:

“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish.”
Trump added, “I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true so that we can get on to much more important matters … he should have done it a long time ago.”
He continued, “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue.”
As for the actual document, Trump added, “We have to look at it, we have to see … is it real? Is it proper? What’s on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully.”

Ugh. UUUGHHHHHH. I did not think you could fit a city’s worth of douche-iness into one human being but I GUESS YOU CAN.

Secretly, mid-ass-wipe with his 700-thread-count toilet paper, I imagine Trumpy is having a little bit of a heart attack because his hilarious run as joke-president is finally almost over. In like, two weeks, everyone is going to be all, “Remember when that hotel dude made that joke about running for president and we almost believed it? HOW DUMB WERE WE HAHAHA.” However, assuming DT is gonna keep trying to convince people he is qualified to run a country full of people with egos as big as his, I have a bone to pick with Donnie.

MR. TRUMP, WE DEMAND THE ANSWERS TO THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

1. HOW are those 12 hairs on your head still attached?

2. WHY does it always look like you are chewing on something?

3. WHAT is 6 + 4, and also remember when you went bankrupt like 12 times?

We would appreciate these answers in the long form, please.