I began this World Cup season believing that soccer was boring and tedious and difficult to understand. While it’s definitely still tedious and difficult to understand, I get now that it can be just as nerve-wracking and heart-poundingly awesome as football or basketball or hot dog eating contests. The next sport I plan to try […]
Back in my day, condoms were made of discarded snake skins! I had to watch 5 miles, in the snow, uphill BOTH WAYS, to pick them up from a witch doctor with a lazy eye! ON TOP OF THAT, you had to rubber-band them around your junk! If you were LUCKY, the snake skin wasn’t […]
I’ve waited in line for longer than 3 hours for a movie once in my life. I was 16 years old, and I waited about 4 hours for the first midnight showing, and I was dressed as Hermione Granger. Let me go ahead and admit that now before I make fun of all the idiots […]
I have two words for you: Landon. F***ing. Donovan. Okay, that’s three, I don’t care. He pulled through after a scoreless 90 minutes and scored that goal in a way that said, “THIS IS FOR THAT STUPID STUPID HAIRCUT, ALGERIANS.” (seriously, what was up with those haircuts? Hassan Yebda looked like the friggin’ Last Airbender) […]
If you’re like me, the first time you heard Kesha’s hit single “Tik Tok,” you thought, sure, this is kinda catchy, but it would be a million times better if it was set to a mash up of old school William Shatner era Star Trek clips, you know? No? You didn’t think that? Well shut […]
There is NOTHING America likes more than charming stories of people falling in love despite unfortunate circumstances. There are entire shows dedicated to the cheesiness that is unplanned love. America also loves disfigured animals. That dog that could walk on two legs? Adorable! Cats with one eye? Awwwww. Elephants with no trunk? That doesn’t exist, […]
Did you know the World Cup is still going on? Crazy, right? I mean, there are like, 4 matches every single day. No, dude, I’m not kidding. Every single day. The reason you probably don’t know this is because the majority of the most anticipated matches start at like, 4 in the morning (or 6, […]
People today just don’t appreciate good performance art when they see it. They see a slightly pudgy guy with his shirt tucked into his khakis, giving it 100% with his awkward, rhythm-less dance in the middle aisle on a public metro and they think, “WTF,” instead of “Sweet mother of our Lord, we have been […]
Sure, Trojan is the best selling condom company, but let’s be honest, Durex takes the cake when it comes to ad campaigns. I guess Trojan’s pig commercial was okay, and those ones from the 90s that showed couples in the throes of ecstasy were like the first porn you ever saw which was AWESOME, but […]
Summertiiiiime, and the livin’s easy… That’s right, I just quoted Sublime, which is completely inappropriate at any other time of the year except this. THAT’S RIGHT, GUYS, Summer is officially, 100% here. The weather said it, school vacation said it, and now the lifeblood of our species, the constant in our lives, the mothah-effing Sun […]
