Ryan Seacrest has spent decades telling us who the next American Idol is, and now, he’s telling us who is “going home” in the world of dating. In a recent reveal, the busiest man in show business shared his personal list of relationship “red and green flags,” and to say they are specific would be an understatement.

From coffee preferences to morning sprints, Seacrest’s list is a masterclass in “high-maintenance dating.” But as we looked over his requirements, we realized something: maybe the biggest red flag of all is having a list this long.

The Seacrest Standards: Coffee, Cardio, and 27 Minutes

Ryan’s list isn’t just about “being a good person.” It’s about being a person who fits perfectly into the Seacrest Machine. Here are some of the “flags” he revealed:

• The Black Coffee Mandate: Ryan starts his day with black coffee. If you add milk or cream? Red flag. Apparently, if you can’t share that “pure” caffeine moment, the relationship is DOA. (Sorry to the oat milk latte hive—you’re out).

• The 27-Minute Rule: He likes a partner who can get ready in under 27 minutes. Not 30. Not 25. Twenty-seven. If you’re on minute 28, you might as well start looking for a new zip code.

• The Trail Etiquette: If you’re on a walk or a bike ride and you don’t greet the person passing you? Red flag. Ryan needs a partner with the social stamina of a politician on the campaign trail.

• The “No Boyfriend” Green Flag: In a moment of classic Seacrest humor, he noted that not already having a boyfriend is a major green flag. (Groundbreaking stuff, Ryan).

When the Flags Become a Red Flag

We get it. Ryan is a mogul. His life is scheduled down to the millisecond, so he needs a partner who can keep up. But for the rest of us living in the real world, reading a list this “over the top” feels like a red flag in itself.

In 2024, the dating world is already a minefield of “beige flags” (quirks), “pink flags” (minor annoyances), and “amber flags” (cautionary tales). When you add Ryan’s “Coffee Creamer Crisis” to the mix, it’s enough to make anyone want to delete the apps and move to a cabin in the woods.

Our Red Flag? Having Too Many Red Flags

Here is our take: Having a checklist for a human being is the ultimate red flag. When we become so obsessed with “optimizing” our partners—demanding they drink their coffee black and time their makeup routine with a stopwatch—we lose the “green flag” of spontaneity, grace, and actual human connection.

If your partner is kind, funny, and supportive, does it really matter if they take 40 minutes to get ready or enjoy a splash of half-and-half in their brew? In a world of Seacrest-level expectations, maybe the real “green flag” is just being someone who doesn’t have a list of reasons to disqualify you before the first date.

Ryan, we love you, and we hope you find that black-coffee-drinking, trail-greeting, 26-minute-ready soulmate. But for the rest of us? We’re over here chillin’ on OBC, lowering the flags and being open to what the world has to offer.