Last night I found my self 32 minutes deep into a show about Justin Bieber. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. I was 32 minutes deep into a show about Justin Bieber going head to head in a song and dance competition with Shaquille O’Neall (what? WHAT?). It was at about minute 40, when I was watching Shaq throw Justin into a swimming pool, that I snapped out of my Tuesday night stupor and wondered WTF I WAS WATCHING.

Cue Wikipedia: “Shaq Vs. is an American reality television show produced for ABC by Dick Clark Productions and Media Rights Capital starring American basketball star Shaquille O’Neal. It began airing on August 18, 2009. Shaquille O’Neal claims to be “the greatest athlete” and challenged numerous top athletes in their own sports.”

Apparently, he’s challenged everyone from Oscar De la Hoya to Dale Earnhardt Jr. to Kavya Shivashankar, the most recent National Spelling Bee champion. And now he’s challenged Justin Bieber, whose talent is… um… giving little girls high blood pressure? I don’t know.

It seems like Shaq is starting to run out of ideas, because last night he also challenged Jimmy Kimmel? At… being funny? I think? So I decided to lend Shaq a hand and give him my top 3 picks for his next Shaq Vs episodes.

1) Shaq Vs. Shawn Johnson, Olympic Gymnast

I would imagine he would have to create a floor exercise routine, because there is no way normal female gymnastics equipment could hold his gargantuan stature. He would probably snap a bar like a toothpick and break the beam in half with one jump. However, on the floor, oh boy. I would love to see them create a routine that combined grace, agility, and tumbling, with bowling ball sized biceps. It would be good, clean, American humor.

2) Shaq Vs. Djsterf, Dance Dance Revolution Champion

Hahahaha. I’ll let you envision that yourself.

3) Shaq Vs. Kobe, NBA Basketball Player, (Alleged) Rapist

Being that this was in fact a real feud over both professional and personal differences between two legitimately phenomenal basketball players who played on the same NBA team, this would be the episode that everyone would tune into. Have them square off on the court! Have them square off in the court room! Is Shaq going to start rapping at Kobe? Is Kobe going to (allegedly) sexually assault Shaq? Who knows? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Hey, Dick Clark productions, I’ll take my finder’s fee now.