One time there was this episode of The Amazing Race where this girl was too scared to ride this giant vertical drop water slide and caused her team to lose. Her teammate was like, “are you kidding me,” and the reporters who covered the story were like, “are you KIDDING me, a water slide,” and everyone in the world seemed to be like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A WATERSLIDE??!” But I on the other hand, know this girl’s pain. I HATE big waterslides (along with rollercoasters and fair rides), and the anxiety coupled with that stomach-dropping feeling would probably make me do exactly what she did – lose out on a million dollars because of something that 9-year-olds do on a regular basis.

And THIS ride? THIS CRAZY WORK OF THE DEVIL? I’m sorry, but no thank you. I would rather not test Newton’s universal law of gravitation while on vacation. People can test that in a lab somewhere and not where a false move could end with blunt force trauma to the brain stem.