Rashard Mendenhall pretends to have butt sex with Ben Roethlisberger in front of EVERYONE

Following allegations that Ben Roethlisberger rapes people, it is surprising to me that something like this took so long to happen. Luckily, it went down on a day when half the nation was watching. I imagine that somewhere, Ben is sitting in his mansion, watching this video over and over and over again, rubbing his hands together and grinding his teeth and muttering to himself about how Rashard Mendenhall has jokingly pretended to butt-rape his last butt, and planning to become sort of super villain, who pays back football players that have wronged him by pretending to anally penetrate them. Or he’s just thinking about the Super Bowl. I’m not 100% sure.

Mark Sanchez wipes a booger on Mark Brunell

It’s good to know that 20 years and 50 million dollars later, men are, and always will be, immature little boys.

This typo:

Right now, the FCC commissioner is laying in the fetal position with crossed fingers just PRAYING to every deity in the universe that conservative TV hosts, news anchors, and radio hosts don’t joke about this. “Please. God, Allah, Krishna, Flying Spaghetti Monster, WHOEVER IS LISTENING, do NOT let Michael Savage get a hold of this one. PLEASE, I WILL NEVER TAKE AN EXTRA MAYO PACKET FROM SUBWAY AGAIN (because they’re p*ssies, get it?).

Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler

From Derrick Brooks, formerly of Tampa Bay: “HEY there is no medicine for a guy with no guts and heart.”

People across the Twitterspher, even NFL stars themselves, are not pleased with Jay Cutler’s decision to take himself out of the 3rd quarter due to a knee injury. For example:

From Maurice Jones-Drew of Jacksonville: “All I’m saying is that he can finish the game on a hurt knee … I played the whole season on one.”

Also from Jones-Drew: “Hey, I think the Urban Meyer rule is in effect right now. When the going gets tough … QUIT.”

From Gerald Alexander, Carolina safety: “I’ve never played in a playoff game. This guy was one game away and he quit! That’s BS!”

From Darnell Dockett, Arizona tackle: “If I’m on [the] Chicago team, Jay Cutler has to wait till me and the team shower get dressed and leave before he comes in the locker room! #FACT”

From Mark Schlereth, lineman-turned-ESPN-chatterbox: “As a guy who had 20 knee surgeries, you’d have to drag me out on a stretcher to Leave a championship game! #justsaying”

Good to know that we can always count on our most respected athletes to tap out judgmental, 140 character blasts from their iPhones while sitting in their jacuzzis made of gold leaf and blood diamonds. Not to say that Jay Cutler ISN’T a huge baby with a double chin and watery little teething baby eyes, but it turns out the guy has a torn MCL. Maybe hold off on the Tweet-stream until after you know the real deal.