I don’t know about you guys, but here in San Diego having cable is like, the WORST. No matter which company you decide to go with, you can really only count on three things – 1) it will suck, 2) it will be overpriced, and 3) when you call to complain for the 600th time in two months because your cable went out right smack dab in the last 5 minutes of the NBA finals and you HAD MONEY ON THAT GAME, GODDAMNIT, they act like ain’t nothin’ they coulda done so deal with it till we get a technician out, SORRYS.

However, I would probably take all of those problems over this story straight out of (shocker!) Sarasota, Florida, where one 24-year-old woman called to have a tech dude come out to fix her cable issues. Shane Wheatley must have been watching a bit too much porn before his shift, though, because he had other plans for their meeting. According to the woman, as Shane began working on her cable, she noticed that he seemed to be touching himself through his pants. She turned away, clearly uncomfortable, and that’s when Shane went for it – whipping out his penis and masturbating while smiling at her.

The woman then left the apartment and called the police. Shane was arrested and charged with Exposure of Sexual Organs, and the young woman is facing months of cable-guy-phobia.

A future note to all those young cable guys out there who have seen one too many pornos, whipping it out and creepily jacking off in front of a girl is NOT going to get you laid. Idiot.