Ah, the wonderful Fourth of July. One of my favorite holidays of the year because it’s all about being Amurikan. Grocery stores stack all their beer into pretty flag shapes and girls get into their skimpiest red white and blue bikinis. IT’S PATRIOTIC, I SAY!

So, in honor of the holiday that results in the most hands being blown off with bottle rockets, I give you BCU’s WEEKEND TO DOS: Fourth of July Edition!

1. Have the most American meal possible

No, not pizza, french fries, and nachos. I know those sound delicious but wecan’t have none of dem der foreign food muddling up the glory of the true American meal: STEAK, corn on the cob, potato salad, tater tots, and BUDWEISER. If someone shows up to your Fourth of July shin dig with, say,  a twelve pack of Corona, it is your American duty to slap them across the face and use the Corona as lighter fluid.

2. BE OVER THE TOP IN EVERYTHING

As you can tell by our collective  love for Hummers with big brass balls and our malls with four stories and six Starbucks, it is apparent that Americans want everything to be BIG and SUPERLATIVE. So make your Fourth not a good day, but the BEST DAY. Cook up twelve dozen hot dogs. Eat all of them. Stand on your city’s tallest skyscraper to watch EVERY FIREWORKS SHOW THERE IS. Listen to Garth Brooks’ albums on repeat all day. Have a photo of Osama Bin Ladin photoshopped in hell as a banner across your front door. Wear a flag as clothes. ONLY A FLAG. You get the gist of it.

3. Watch Independence Day

I’m pretty sure there is an amendment to the Constitution that says you have to watch Independence Day (starring Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum)  on the Fourth of July every year otherwise you are a traitor and can be tried on treason charges in front of the Supreme Court. Don’t quote me on that, but also don’t risk the chance that it’s true. Cue up that DVD player for Fourth of July morning at 8 am and crack open your first beer at the exact moment the first blip on the radar screen shows up in the first scene of the movie. It’s about as American as you get.

This Independence Day, celebrate the American way, unapologetically and without regard for anyone’s feelings. Oh, and if you’re a lady, rock the hell out of that American flag bikini!