Look, I know it’s not even really technically winter. I also am fully aware that I live in one of the most moderate climates in America and that right now half the country is under like, 45 feet of snow. Relatively speaking, though, it is friggin’ cold up in hurr. Unfortunately, because of said moderate-climate, I own two jackets and four sweaters and none of them are even remotely capable of blocking out any sort of cold. So as I sit here, shivering in this godforsaken 72 degree office, I would like to “mind over matter” this situation and ensure that my weekend does not end with me like a frozen meat popsicle in a gutter somewhere. Thusly, I give you the Three Things You Have to Do this Weekend: Freezing as MotherF***ing Siberia Edition.

1) Make yourself some hot buttered rum or other similar warm alcoholic beverage

It’s a myth that alcohol warms you up from the inside. All it really does is draw blood into your stomach, making you THINK you’re warm, when in reality your extremities are freezing. Howeeeever, there is a loophole if you drink a HOT alcoholic beverage. Perfect example: Hot Buttered Rum. This buttery, sweet drink should be consumed in moderation considering it is loaded with fat and sugar and will give you the most unbearable hangover of all time, however one steaming mug of it can warm you and give you the giddy rum buzz that no one can say no to. Other drinks include Baileys and Coffee or an Irish Coffee, which are less headache-inducing but also not as tasty. Check out Emeril Lagasse’s recipe for a solid hot buttered rum to share with guests!

2) Snag some jacuzzi time

This is one of the rare situations where owning a big cozy robe is not only beneficial, but almost necessary, because there are few miserable situations as unbearable as getting out of a jacuzzi when it’s cold outside. However, if you’ve got access to both a robe and a jacuzzi (and perhaps some of that hot buttered rum?), being in a jacuzzi can feel awesome! Also, I know that the jacuzzi idea has popped in at least 7 of my weekend to-dos but I really don’t care because jacuzzis are awesome and don’t get enough love this time of year so SHUT IT.

3) Go watch Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis

This weekend, Darren Aronofksy’s much anticipated thriller Black Swan opens, and boy are we excited. I mean, sure my personal excitement might be that it’s a ballerina movie, but for all you dudes out there, there are many other reasons to see it, including but not limited to: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in a LESBIAN SEX SCENE TOGETHER I AM NOT KIDDING. Whatever your reasons for seeing it, go watch it this weekend in a warm theater with some popcorn (and perhaps some hot buttered rum?), and prepare yourself for the undeniable sexiness of two bangin’ actresses gettin’ it on. Yes please, sign me up, I’ll take two.

Off with you, weekend warriors, and remember – be safe, stay warm, and see you next week!