Gentleman, brace your junk – according to a report by Reuters, a California woman has been accused of  drugging her estranged husband, chopping off his penis, and sticking it in the garbage disposal. Catherine Kieu Becker, 48, then called 911, and told police her husband “deserved it.”

According to Becker’s husband, he went to lay down after eating dinner, believing he was ill from something wrong with his food. He later awoke to find his wife had tied his arms to the bed post and was tugging at his pants.

(At this point, I would imagine that Becker’s husband maybe got a boner. Right? I mean if you woke up and a woman had your hands tied to bedposts and was pulling your pants off, you’d get excited because maybe she was about to fulfill a totally awesome fantasy, right? Your first thought wouldn’t be that she was about to hack off your penis and toss it in after the eggshells, would it? Or maybe it would. This is what marriage does to people, apparently.)

The next few moments were probably the most torturous of Becker’s husband’s life. He lay there, helpless, as she sliced off his penis, threw it in the garbage disposal, and turned the disposal on. She called 911 after the incident, luckily for him. According to Reuters,

Becker was arrested on suspicion of aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse and booked into Orange County jail.

Becker’s husband is currently in critical condition after having surgery, although I can’t imagine they were able to salvage his schlong. I’ve seen what garbage disposals do to cooked chicken and it is NOT PRETTY.

Reason #3,114 not to get married: your wife might cook you a meal, convince you you’re about to get an incredible BJ, and then SLICE OFF YOUR PENIS.