One of my favorite things in journalism is that to save space, headlines often omit the word “and” and put a comma or semi-colon in its place. For example, the headline above. Somehow “Drunk Guy Tries to Have Sex with ATM and Picnic Bench” just isn’t as funny as “Drunk Guy Tries to Have Sex with ATM, Picnic Bench.” Maybe it’s because it sounds like the author just almost left out a minor detail, like “oh shit yeah also he tried to f*ck a picnic bench. Almost forgot.”

I really want to start doing that with other stories. Like “Local Thief Caught Riding Bus, Masturbating” or “Dating Site Finds Members Love Brown Eyes, Super Tight Buttholes”.

ANYWAY. Back to the story. Via  NY Daily News:

A drunk Tennessee man was detained after he tried to have sex with an ATM machine.

Lonnie Hutton, 49, reportedly made a beeline for the cash dispenser after walking into the Boro Bar and Grill, in Murfreesboro, Friday night.

Pulling down his pants and underwear, he allegedly attempted to penetrate one of the device’s holes.

He then strutted naked from the waist down around the venue, thrusting his hips out, until cops arrived.

So far, this Lonnie dude seems like a guy I want to party with on a Friday night. Some people get together to have appetizers and a glass of wine, Lonnie f***ing Hutton gets annihilated and tries to jam his dick in an ATM. He knows how to PARTY. Oh, and it gets better. Old Lonnie wasn’t gonna let his inanimate-object-screwing night end just yet.

Officers ordered Hutton outside, where he was made to sit at a wooden picnic table.

But it appears the excitement was all too much, and he then allegedly stripped off and started trying to hump the bench.

Absolutely fantastic. I appreciate that Lonnie doesn’t limit his love to one non-human object. He is an equal-opportunity lover, whether it’s a sexy  18-year-old ATM or a wrinkly old wooden bench. You’re a gentleman and a scholar, Lonnie. Let’s party this weekend!