Not only is “chronic masturbation syndrome” a thing, but according to the bank robber above, he suffers from it and believes that the jail he is serving time in should be required to let him have pornography in his cell to soothe it. Oh, and video games and a personal television set.

21-year-old Kyle Richards is suing the state of Michigan for cruel and unusual punishment due to their banning of pornography in inmate’s cells. Richards suffers from “chronic masturbation syndrome and severe sexual discomfort’, and wants the state to allow him to “possess erotic/pornographic materials along with personal televisions, video game consoles and radios.”

In his five-page handwritten lawsuit, Richards claims that

“Sexual deprivation has been used against plaintiff in a way as to both sexually frustrate the plaintiff, deprive the plaintiff of any sort of sexual gratification, and deny the plaintiff his right to sexual reproduction“

First of all, someone didn’t take sex ed. “Reproduction” refers to creating offspring, so unless Kyle Richards has magic, self-maturing sperm I am quite sure the word he meant is “pleasure.” I digress.

Let’s pretend for a moment that Kyle is suffering from a real disease and not 21-year-old-unattractive-man syndrome. Let’s pretend that if he is unable to masturbate that he becomes sick or uncomfortable. Let’s pretend that Kyle Richards isn’t an entitled little pervy BANK ROBBER and instead that he is a very unfortunate, ill man.

THEN WHY DOES HE NEED VIDEO GAMES AND A PERSONAL TELEVISION SET?

I don’t think the jail is denying the plaintiff his right to play the new Halo because the graphics are totally sick, bro, right?

A guy in jail for robbing a bank believes he has the constitutional right to play video games and jerk off to porn? That, my friends, is what we like to call #whitepeopleproblems.