I think it’s hilarious that in an age where we have movies like Inside Man and The Town and other awesome criminal mastermind movies, that the only stories I ever hear about criminals is when they’re doing something that not even my 12 year old brother would think made sense. The last few weeks have seen a 400 lb woman getting stuck stealing electronics, a guy who took a picture of himself with the stolen merch and putting it on Facebook, and the kidnappers who traded their victim for an Xbox. And now we have two lovely new gems to add to the list and it’s time for a DUMB CRIMINAL OFF! between a guy who called 911 from the house he broke into because he thought the owner had a gun, and a guy who got up to STAB someone in the middle of a HAIRCUT.

This is David Davis. He went in for a haircut yesterday at a friend’s apartment when he got into a verbal altercation with someone in the room. The argument escalated and Davis reacted by grabbing a pair of scissors from the hairdresser and slicing the guy in the back. According to Davis, he believed the other guy was going to harm him first, and was only acting out of self-defense. He was found at the apartment by police with some scratches, so he may have been right, but we won’t know until he goes to court later this month. Unfortunately, until then, we’ve got this mugshot to work with. He might think he was gangster for stabbing that guy, but I will always know David Davis as Half-ro.

And now, Timothy James Chapek. He broke into a man’s house in Portland, Oregon, and was in the middle of a shower (????) when the owner of the house returned home. Chapek locked himself in the bathroom, and as the owner approached the door with two German shepherds in tow demanding to know why there was a man in his bathroom, Chapek apparently got a widdle bit scawed. He grabbed his phone and called 911, terrified that the owner might have a gun. At the same time, the owner called the police to report a man in the house. The police arrived just about when Chapek was most likely peeing in his lace panties.He’s being charged with criminal trespass and also being a huge p***y.

So, which crime is more retarded? My vote goes for scared-y cat below, how about you?