Do you do yoga? I love yoga. It’s calming, a great workout, and has been shown to improve your sex life. And the instructors are great inspiration because they tend to have some of the most bangin’ bodies in the business. However, there are a few times when you might come across a rather, erm… interesting yoga teacher. One whose calming words before class creep you out a tiny bit or make you wonder if you should pack up your yoga mat and leave before the Buddha himself appears and tells them they sound nuts. I would imagine that is the case with this yogi from Boulder, Colorado, who is being charged with animal cruelty after making her friend’s chihuahua run alongside her Camry at 10 to 15 miles an hour instead of just walking it like a normal competent non-psychotic human being.

“That poor dog was running its guts out trying to keep up,” Elizabeth Whaley told officers.

Whaley told officers she drove behind the woman for some time as she first tried to understand what the woman was doing and then tried to figure out how to stop her. Whaley said the driver kept waving at her to pass, which several people did.

Whaley said she was concerned the dog would be hit by an oncoming vehicle or fall underneath the tires of the car.

But of course, this story could not end with a just-plain-stupid woman realizing her mistake and stopping. After a second woman confronted her about her cruel behavior, Zalk went off the deep end.

According to the police report, Zalk told the women, “Excuse me, I have a gun in my car. Do you want me to get it?” She then put the dog in the car and parked at a nearby home.

Ah yes, normal behavior from a totally mentally stable, calm and centered woman, of course. All those hours spent meditating clearly kept her sane and able to deal with normal situations. The best part of the police report, though? This gem:

Zalk told the officer who took her to jail, “If it is illegal to walk the dog that way, just tell me and I won’t do it again.”

I think I’ll go into a jewelry store and walk out with the most expensive piece I can find, and when the police tackle me to the ground, I’ll use this genius’ line of defense. “Sorry office, jeez, I didn’t know! Just tell me and I won’t do it again!”

Namaste, dumbass.