I don’t know if you’ve been reading the newspaper/staring blankly at the morning news because you don’t have a job, but you might have noticed that some strange things have been happening since the clock turned midnight on New Years Eve. Many people are looking to divine sources for reasoning, others are claiming it’s just strange weather patterns. Some, like Matthew, are torn between the two possibilities.

Either way, we at BCU have been bracing for the day that someone divides by zero and the Earth deflates and whizzes off into the universe unknown like a popped balloon. In case you haven’t been keeping up with the most recent news, here are a few reasons we believe it is safe to say the world as we know it is a ticking time bomb.

1) Animals are dying by the MASSES: 500 dead blackbirds in Louisiana, 100,000 dead fish in Arkansas, & 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas

Now sure, this all could be a strange coincidence. The weather has been unpredictable recently, and some are claiming the birds could have been struck by lightning. However, you’ll note that each of these events have occurred in the South, which is where I always believed the apocalypse would start anyway. That’s what happens when you allow the Ku Klux Klan to remain powerful and also if your state falls into the top ten Fattest States in America. Sorry guys. You’re gonna be the first to go.

2) Snooki decided she doesn’t want to be called Snooki anymore

So eloquent. So author. We should just start calling her Hemingway.

Because she is now an “author,” she would like to be called “Nicole” instead of “Snooki,” which is not okay in two ways: A) it makes her sound human, and B) THAT’S MY NAME, DON’T YOU DARE TAINT IT.

3) December 21, 2012 was predicted to be the end of this by the Mayan Empire, but hey maybe they’re a year off

Whether or not you believe in the ancient Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, you have to imagine that it’s very possible that we miiiight be overstaying our welcome on Earth. With the amount of fossil fuels we plow through, the way we treat both the Earth itself and our fellow human beings, and that whole Snooki thing — who’s to say that by the end of this year Earth isn’t gonna be like, “ALRIGHT LITTLE A**HOLES, IT’S TIME TO GO,” and then maybe just overheat by a couple degrees, thus frying us just enough to use us all as fertilizer so snakes and other cold-blooded animals can take over the world. Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Not me, that’s for sure. Not you, Mister Eats-Doritos-for-Breakfast. So just to be safe, I’m gonna make this year as unbelievably awesome as possible.

WHO’S WITH ME?