Someone in the BCU offices is trying to convince me, as I type, that the mass suicide of avian and water creatures in the past week is not some work of Mother Nature, attempting to frighten us into packing our bags and moving to Mars, and is instead just a fluke. Luckily, I won’t believe until someone smart says it like Bill O’Reilly or something (haha! Just kidding!).

Needless to say, I am treating this weekend like my last on this planet, and have therefore planned the most invigorating, awesome weekend of all time, just in case come Monday a giant meteor crashes to Earth and releases toxic fart-gas or something. With this, good friends (cue the Armageddon music), I give you BCU’s Weekend Must-Dos for what might be your last weekend on Earth.

1) SPA DAY

Dude, you deserve a massage. Do you know how rough the last decade was? IT WAS ROUGH, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE. Most likely, you have no money, you have no friends, and you’ve been drinking piss water without even knowing it. So during potentially the last weekend on Earth, why don’t you treat yourself to a massage, facial, and maybe even a mani/pedi combo so that when you end up on a makeshift raft in the middle of an ocean of fire-piranhas you’ll be hot and loose enough to get laid at least once more.

2) Drive as fast as you want

This is useful in two ways: A) who cares if you get pulled over? You can be like, “look, officer, by this time Monday we’ll all be knee deep in dead animals. Why don’t you get back on that scooter of yours and enjoy yourself instead of spending all your time playing mommy to the city.” Either he’ll let you go, or you’ll end up in jail, which is fine because that’s probably the safest place to be once the aliens land.

ALSO, B) if the end of the world ends up erupting in a Volcano and/or Dante’s Peak way, you will be skilled in the art of weaving through cars like an a**hole to escape the magma.

3) Jump off a cliff or out of a plane (i.e. bungee jump or sky dive)

Most people fear those two activities because NEWS FLASH: hitting the earth at speeds upwards of 120 miles an hour isn’t something most people look forward to, assuming they’re avoiding death as long as possible. However, if this is your last weekend on the planet, why not go out with a bang (or a thud, I suppose)? Sign up for a tandem skydive or a bungee jump experience in a jungle somewhere in South America, and just as the asteroid is bursting through the Earth’s atmosphere, take the leap.

Farewell, weekend warriors. Enjoy your weekend. And if Monday ends up coming around and the world hasn’t ended and you shattered your lumbar region in a botched bungee jump attempt, then WOOPS SORRY MY BAD.