We at BCU have discussed many reasons why avoiding marriage is in your best interest. From the expensive divorces, to getting shot in the head during sex, to having your penis chomped off by your wife, we could really go on for days with reasons why staying single is just… a good idea.

However, some of you have requested real, scientific, historical reasons that marriage might not be a life requirement in the 21st century. SO FINE, NERDS, HERE YOU GO.

Reason #1: It’s not the Middle Ages

Marriage in medieval times HARDLY reflects what marriage is today. Pre-arranged weddings, dowries, children by age 15, death by 30. Back then it made sense… you could pro-create (main purpose of life at that time), occasionally better your status in the village and have someone to spend your short three decades on Earth with. Now, though, people are living till like twelve hundred years old. NO ONE wants to hang out for that long. And also, it should be noted that in a large percentage of these marriages, the two HATED each other. Some didn’t even speak the same language, and were mainly brought together to produce an heir to a throne. Young sex with a stranger you can’t even understand? Yeah, it sounds hot, until you remember that a) there was no deodorant and b) you were stuck with them day and night until you died.

Reason #2: It’s not the 18th century

Back when the Brits began coming to America, marriage was an extremely important part of both your social standing and well-being. No women came with the original colonists to the New World, so when they slowly began trickling in over the following years, they were swooped up immediately, regardless of looks or wealth. Marriage back then was, oddly enough, very similar to the present, with divorces granted for certain reasons and pre-nuptial agreements contracted. So why was it okay to be married back then? Because they had to populate an entire new nation, THAT’S WHY. It was common to have 7, 8, 9, maybe even more children (partially because so many babies died from like, typhoid or whatever), because families basically formed mini-governments which ran and maintained farms or shops or whatever other business the father came to America with. Nowadays, with our population continually overwhelming our resources, getting married and popping out babies isn’t exactly in the best interest of the nation. In fact, staying single longer and creating a comfortable life for yourself FIRST is the best thing you can do, whether or not you eventually decide to take the leap into a spiral ring of hellfire marriage.

Reason #3: It’s not the 1950s

Imagine marriage in the 1950s. Women in checkered dresses and aprons and pearls, having dinner waiting on the table when her husband gets home. He makes the money, she cleans the house and takes care of the kids. The wife rarely worked, and if she did, it was limited to small part-time jobs that would barely sustain her life, let alone a family’s. At that point, a legal contract between two monogamous people made sense. If Mr. Pleasantville decided to bounce one day for his secretary, his wife would want to be sure that she had something to maintain a lifestyle for herself and her children. Nowadays, 77% of employed women work on a full-time basis, and the gender roles are steadily moving closer together in a family. Women have less dependence on their male counterparts, thus making a “monogamy contract” less necessary.

There you go. Marriage, up until as late as the last century, was an important part of the fabric of America. However, with technological and scientific advances, the world is changing exponentially quickly. Just five years ago I had a three color screen cell phone, and now I am WRITING THIS ON MY CELL PHONE. Along with those changes come less and less need for the archaic practice of marriage. In a nation that currently has a 50%+ divorce rate, you’d think that maybe we could all slow down for a second and realize that embracing the single lifestyle (at least until your generation is deemed officially OLD) is good for your mental state, your wallet, and your health (including but not limited to keeping your penis attached to your penis).